Holy crap! Another Miss Universe in Puerto Rico, which will go into the annals of history! As a good Boricuan, I am filled with joy as we can all say we are massive pros in the art and science of filling the planet with gorgeous and goddess like ladies.
At the moment we can count five totally beautiful girls who have managed to yield the crown and vest upon the honor of being called Miss Universe, giving a good name to our beloved island. I wish the politicians could do as well, but we all know is not beauty but brown ass wiping what gets people into politics.
Of course, being me a nasty philosopher, I have to ask the one million dollar question: Where on Earth do this amazing beauties come from? Because after 28 years living in PR, my chances of seeing said gorgeousities were close to none! I am talking about 13 years at school, seven years of College and four years while working as an Engineer. Not to count my four years of infancy, as I was not that early developed.
I went to parks, movie theaters, mall shopping centers, pubs, as well as many other places on our 100 x 36 miles wide island. In none of these was I able to see beautiful girls as the one we have had the honor of having crowned by a group of panels from the entire planet. Heck! I ended marrying my beautiful wife from Dominican Republic! Where the hell were the Miss Universe-like ladies during all those years when I was hunting for a girl friend?
It would be pointless to do all this writing unless I had a good theory on why this phenomenon gets to occur. Said theories I have come to call:
Theories on “Where the Hell Where the Miss Universe Chicks When I Was Hunting?”
- Puertorican beauties are actually raised on bank vaults, where they are hidden as national treasure. No guy is allowed to even look at them, in fear of the subjects loosing any chance to the crown.
- If a girl develops gorgeous beauty, a Mission Impossible style mask is quickly placed to cover her face. Huge blobs of fat are embedded into her clothing (including swim wear) in order to make them look as non attractive as possible. As the Miss Universe Pageant grows closer, all make up is lifted and the natural beauty is allowed to flourish for the big night.
- Miss Universe girls are actually entities from another planet, brought to Earth on Alien space ships a week prior to the pageant. After they have won the crown, only super duper rich and high society standard guys (like tattoo patched rap and reggaeton musicians) will be allowed to get close to them. At this point in time the Aliens decide to leave them behind as an income tool for starving Paparazzi photographers.
- Every guy has a very fine piece of skin covering their eye’s retina which refracts light in a way which makes it impossible for them to appreciate the beauty until the night of the pageant. Hence people that assisted with us to school and part time jobs will become Miss Universe making us say “Holy Craps of Hell! That chick was hitting on me last month and I did not pay any attention to her!!!”
- Reggaeton, hell’s incarnation in music, in truth has beautifying properties. Girls listening to this music will eventually become gorgeousities with a chance of becoming Miss Universe. As long as they are not impregnated first on one of those gasoline filled reggaeton concerts, that is...
