Debunking Superman

There are tons of superheroes. Some of them have cool powers, while others are just humans who have worked very hard (as well as succeeded) at raping the laws of physics. So I can see superhero developers coming up with abilities here and there, every time making the characters more powerful. What really bogs me is that one of the first superheroes to have been developed is actually the most powerful of them all! It is amazing superhero writers did not throw the towel and got it over with! Once Superman was written into the comic pages, what on Earth could you come up with to make a more powerful superhero?

We are talking about a guy that can fly. That by itself is awesome! There was no need to make the guy totally invulnerable, super duper fast and infinitely strong. But apparently, that was not enough. They added X-ray vision, heat ray vision, freezing blow and super blow. What the hell are we lacking here? What can possibly Superman not do?

This is like having a competition to build the fastest car. The different teams look at the current speed record and tweak their own cars in order to break it. Every year they break the record for a few seconds. But all of a sudden, some scumbucket of evil makes a car so fast that it gets to the finish line before it even starts! How on earth can you compete against that? Making the car arrive at the end long before it starts, to the point where the car arrives at the finish line before it is even manufactured? The fun is long gone!

Still, Superman’s conception did not terminated efforts to come up with other superheroes. What it did, though, was make the new super heroes look super pitiful.

Take for example a retard like Batman. He knows a few karate moves, has cool gadgets and a faggie sidekick. It takes days for Batman to fix Gotham City, while Superman could fix it all up in a split second. And with no “Holy Maccaronis Batman! Thank God you had the Bat-Chopper inside your Bat-Belt and in the form of pills that only needed hot water, the Jocker gave us to provide for our escape!”

How about Aquaman? What can he do? Talk to sea animals? What a blast! Superman can not talk to sea animals, but who cares? Whether it is a submarine or a boat, Superman can easily beat the crap out of whoever is wrong-doing the seas.

Then we have Wonder Woman. Of course we need a chick on super hero land. It would be sexist not to. But she needs a plane to fly, and making it invisible adds very little to whatever abilities she has, which comprise stupid powers like dodging single fired bullets and asking for the truth when using the magic laso. I am of the opinion, however, that the true Wonder Woman powers have to do with looking hot and immobilizing the bad guys as they get a super boner. I would be paralyzed, if she were to stop me, that I know.

But here comes Superman. I would not get paralyzed because Superman “is hot”. I would get paralyzed because all the shit flowing through my pants, would immobilize me on a split second. A punch from this guy and there would be no plastic surgery to take care of my new deformed blob of meat and bones used to be called face. There would be little point in running. And as long as he squeezed my balls, I would tell the truth. Hence, Wonder Woman has been rendered useless as well.

There are other superheroes which may have a little bit of a chance to be useful. Per example, guys like Green Lantern have similar powers. But he needs recharging. Superman is always strong.

I have been ranting and ranting about the poor Superman, when in reality there is one flaw to his super powers. Kryptonite! Is that it? One lousy piece of rock which he could easily eradicate from the face of the Earth by having Jimmy Olsen help him up as a trade for flights here and there? Come on! Give us a challenge, man!

To sum up, there are also a few questions I can not seem to answer. Here they are in no particular order: