I love superheroes! I like the concept so much, if it was at all possible, I would like to be one. Maybe that is why I find life to be so boring. We never get the chance to do cool stuff like flying with a cape, running very fast, punching the bejuices out of scum bucket of evils, and such. Now, if I were to choose which super hero I wanted to be, the decision would be tough. But in the mean time, let’s choose Spiderman just for the heck of it. It is not like I am going to get said chance anyway...
Spiderman... Man! What a cool character! A young guy, that as he is bitten by a spider, gains all the aracnid powers. I am telling you, who wouldn't want to walk on walls, spin webs, be super duper strong and eat insects? Wait! Spiderman does not eat cockroaches, ants or flies, right? That must have been just a little bug in the creative process.
But the guy can crawl walls. Amazing! I am glad they show in the movie how little strands of hair come up from his fingers. What I wonder is how come nobody would feel this appendage as people shook hands with Mr. Parker. Or is it a deficiency for tarantulas not being able to hide their hairyness on their legs? Hmmm... I wonder if it has to do with the aracno-human cocktail of genes. Whatever the case, it is a blessing that as Peter Parker became a spider human, he lost any desire of masturbation. It would have been awful for him to get stuck like the guy on American Pie…
I must confess that I consider having the power to adhere himself to wall is kind of useless, unless it is accompanied by the ability to cast webs. Now we are talking powerful, baby! Think about it. It is like having an infinite set of ropes which you control at will! Man! What I would give to gain said ability?
Luckily, the DNA mixture here, again, morphed the powers to Spiderman’s advantage. Because these webs are bio degradable! You enter a haunted house, and what do you see? Webs everywhere! The fly-grabing silky-white strand-trap is one of the best signs of old. Clearly we must know that conventional webs last for a very long time!
Not Spiderman’s, though. His webs disappear a few minutes after he completes his swing. Otherwise, NY City would have been covered with his webs by now. Granted that it can all be due to opportunists trimming the buildings and selling the famous ropes on ebay. I wonder what fans are doing with them, though…
What really bothers me is how come the webs come from his wrists? Isn’t this like too much good gene swapping luck already? Because if he were to emulate a spider, this webbing should come from his ass. Clearly not the best super hero, though, as he only would have access to a web stream (unless he could develop dual ass, but this is not part of the DNA morphing deal). I guess he could catch the bad guys in an easier fashion, while he hangs from his ass and his arms are free. This of course, as long as he can control the web spinning, which would be more like synchronized farting. Hmmm… By High School we are usually pros at that, so it may actually work!
Then we must try to understand the spider sense. What the hell is this? Have you seen spider eyes glowing in the dark as you are about to step on them at night? How about the fact that on average, humans swallow about eight spiders on our life time, specially during our sleep at night? Shouldn’t this spider sense be good enough for the spider to avoid the deadly trap our mouth is about to become? And if their eyes are glowing (and they have a bunch of them), shouldn’t we wake up blinded in the middle of the night with a spider hanging from our lips? I think there is something fishy here.
Finally is the strength deal. A spider can carry eight times its weight. This is clearly a cool power. But Spiderman is a small guy! He must weight, what? About a 100 pounds, maybe? If this is the case, Peter should be able to lift 800 pounds, give or take. How come can he lift cars and stuff clearly heavier than this? Stopping a train by pulling a bunch of webs with his arms? Are you aware of the force in pounds that train must have been exerting? His arms should have been pulled out from their sockets!
And why is this strength transferred to buns of steel? On the second movie his ass literally rolls through the road, after Doctor Oc throws him from the train. Unless he was webbing a special protector from his ass (which has never been shown to work like that) how on Earth didn’t he get his ass disintegrated like a crayon? Haven’t these directors ever gotten a scratched knee by merely slipping on an asphalt street? I can see Superman taking it, but how come Spiderman is invulnerable now?
I tell you, If I ever get a chance to be a Super Hero, I will take Spiderman fast! It feels like fun to rape the laws of physics for a living...
