Since we are just surviving the latest end of the world (today is June 6, 06), I think it is time we start prophesizing the upcoming ones. But for such a task, many will need awesome pieces of advice from the best prophet of all: ME! I will teach you how to get your name immortalized and feared through ages to come. Are you ready?
- The first thing you need is a cool prophet name. I agree that Joestradamus or Suestradamus sound like cool names. May I recommend one? How about Mojonelleus? Mojon is the word in Spanish for a big chunk of excrement. And since most prophecies are full of shit anyway, Mojonelleus is just too cool of a name. If you don’t pick it, I will!
- Now is off to write your prophecies. Be aware that the trick is to fool people into believing that you know what you are doing and you have full access to the future. Hence you can not fail! That is why I recommend you come up with your own words. Per example you could say:
“And oh beware of the rivkea
As destruction is upon!”
Now what the hell is the rivkea? Somebody in the future will realize that rivkey could be the RIVer, the laKE or the sEA. We all know that water is a treacherous entity, hence there is no way for you to fail!
- You have to talk about people! Some scum bucket of evil will come up in the future and cause mayhem. You have to mention this guy/gal and the more accurate you do, the better. Using most of the alphabet letters will ensure success! That is why I recommend names like:
“Abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvxyz will be your enemy
Beware!!!”
Or
“Zyxabechdorfkinugstlap will raise
Beware!”
Of course it will be very hard to nail it! But you can always come back from the dead a few centuries from now and claim it was a typo. And even if you can not return from the dead, most likely somebody will do the favor, on your behalf, and say:
“It was just a typo! Our totally evil ruler’s name, John, is almost identical to Zyxabechdorfkinugstlap. Can’t you see it?”
- You have to use numbers. The guy that wrote about 666 was a genius. He repeated the same number three times (which requires little brain power) and for 2000 years has been causing chaos. If there is life after death, this guy must be laughing purely hard and saying:
“Oh God! Please stop this! Let me go down and tell them it was a prank! I can not laugh any more, this is just too good!”
So use numbers. Any number you come up will do. Per example:
“And for three, the two that are one
will sevenize the eight heavens of nine
when the four fives meet the sixth”
What the hell does that mean? It is irrelevant! Let the geniuses that inhabit the planet figure it out. A very important note is to not forget the zero and the decimal point! Per example, the previous can be enhanced with:
“Zilts! For three, the two that are one
will sevenize the eight heavens of nine
when the four fives meet the sixth. Period!”
- Make sure your prophecies spell doom. If you prophesize good things you will be forgotten by next week. But if you promise suffering, total chaos, mayhem, pain, destruction and all the worst you can come up with, not only will you hit every single newspaper, but even centuries from now, your name will be mentioned. A good example is:
“PHOCK! The rain that kills and breaks the skin
Will pour as it hurts our beloved and kill all that we know
For sin and evil have and will plague us forever
Pain, suffering and death abound. We will be screwed!”
- Make sure you use dates from the distant future.
A retard a few years ago came up with the Hercolubus prophecy as he claimed that a nasty big planet was going to crash with our Earth, destroying everything on its path. He said this would happen a few months from then (back in 1999, I think). It never happened! Then he came up with the lousy excuse that since we had prayed, we had been saved. What a loser! Prophecies are about destruction. If you can stop it, then where is the fun?
Plus, if the prophecy never happens (but most likely, if you follow my guidelines, it will), then you are already dead. Nobody will mock you. They will just say you were a little bit off and then change the date to some other date in the future. Because there is one year after the next, eventually they will find it again. And again… And again… Until the sun goes nova and the Earth is consumed in the fiery blast.
- Be vague. Make sure that you have tons and tons of room for morons out there to interpret a single prophecy in hundreds of different ways. This helps because one single prophecy now becomes an entire tome of knowledge filled with notes from the future. One of these instances must come true! Per example you could say:
“A country within the planet
Will start a dreaded war
Hunger, filth, disease as well as other plagues
Will be present!”
Because there are hundreds of countries, there is a good chance your prophecy will be tagged to any wild event in the future that concerns a war. Plus, using war as your main theme is good because they happen so often that you can get famous even as you are alive! DAMN! I would go for it!
What not to do as you prophesize:
- Do not prophesize about who will win the presidential election. Although there are usually two candidates only, which may tempt you to jump at the sudden fame opportunity, there is still 50% chance you will fail! Failing is never good. Of course you can always prophesize the presidential winner a century from now. When they ask why can’t you prophesize on the candidates from the near future you, tell them your powers are tuned to the distant future. The skeptics will not buy it, but they don’t buy anything anyway!
- Do not use names available on a current World Atlas when prophesizing destruction. It may look like an easy way of getting quick fame, but names change! You may merge a few dozen names into one. Per example:
“The earthquake that will hit mexafrirope will be cataclysmic!”
You never know how countries will merge, so be creative!
