Ahhh! Mutation! The cool way to directly go into evolution. At least this is the impression every body gets after watching an XMEN movie, such as “XMEN III, The Last Stand”. The movie was awesome! Filled with special effects and all the necessary plot points to make you go “Holy Scum Buckets of Evil!”, the movie repeatedly made us all scream like youngsters. Of course, at 12:01 AM, the movie theater was filled with about 500 high school students, so that may have helped as well.
The problem is that genetic mutations do not work like in the movie series. It may be that a mutated gene, passed onto further generations, changes the color of your skin or eyes. If you are lucky, a mutation may enhance the human race by perhaps making our offspring more intelligent, stronger or less prone to same gender sex. And there is nothing wrong with being homosexual, but maybe the XMEN III movie is truly the question of whether if there was a cure for homosexuality, would gay people take the shot? Hmmm… Interesting indeed!
In reality, however, mutations are most of the time close to lethal, rather than beneficial, with the huge majority of mutations doing nothing at all! Those who suffer the bad mutations, called genetic disorders, are either sick or dying. The medical world call it cancer, I call it the reason of why I no longer have a mommy. Hence, the XMEN movies are super-duper wishful thinking. If we were to shoot the “Real Life XMEN” movie, the super heroes would be:
FART-LAD: This guy was born with a sphincter problem. Incapable of controlling flatulence, he was the cause of riot at school. Their parents, trying to save their child from dishonor, placed a bottle cap on his butt. So be warned! If you see him reaching down, he may be attempting to use his powers.
CANCERIUM: This totally powerless super hero has the ability of growing tumors at will. Every time he uses the mutated power, he ends up at the surgery table. Otherwise, you will see him drinking a cocktail of chemo-cola, a mixture of chemicals that attempt to cure his condition.
BARBIRELLA: This heroine has the ability to change eye color. Apparently, she was born with her eye’s cornea spread with a series of minute hair appendixes which after being moved on certain patterns, can change the way light reflects upon. Hence, she saves a huge amount of money on color contact lenses! Unfortunately, people usually do not notice her power, because the eye mutation made her blind, making her wear quite dark glasses.
WOOL BEARING: This guy has the amazing ability of growing hair at lightning speed. In fact, it matters not how many times he shaves a day, a few hours later he looks like a sheep again. He has tried all remedies for hair removal, but so far none of them work. He is usually seen fighting crime alongside his cousin BALL BEARINGS.
BALL BEARINGS: You know where his mutation occurred…
FREAKO-BOY: Nobody knows if this being is the product of Nagasaki, Hiroshima or Chernobyl. What we know is that this poor soul is hardly human. With three non working arms, one eye on the back side of his head and no legs, this ball of meat and bones is clearly a mutant!
AL-SAY-MER: This is one of the bad guys. He has the ability of forgetting everything in an instant. Hence, after committing a crime, police always have a hard time questioning him as his answers are always congruent with the fact that he has no idea what they are asking him about. Thank God for surveillance cameras!
HERMES-FRODITUS: This guy/gal has the ability to change gender at will. Although mostly a prostitute nowadays, he/she is feared by all as he/she tends to change sex while climaxing. Many guys have gone Bobbit while hiring her services. Some people are guessing he/she will be moving to Beverly Hills where she will open her own gender change clinic.
AL-BYE-NUS: With his blinding fury, this light skinned mutant has the capability of reflecting all the solar light. That’s it! He is truly white, not like other “white” race people whose skin tone is darker compared to this variant.
SMURF A LOT: This is not a human mutant, but a blue lobster. I did not make this up, or altered using Photoshop. Blue lobsters occur on a one to five million basis.
